1 year celebration

On Nov 5th, I pumped my fists in the air like a manly man on Wallstreet who just made a million bucks on a deal resulting in a bonus that would make politicians blush. I celebrated my first year of recovery from my eating disorder. And what did I do? I went out to eat. Hahaha. I know it could seem like an alcoholic celebrating 1 year abstinence with a bottle of beer. It's not. Because alcoholics can stop drinking booze, I still have to eat.

So, I ate. With my British Boy. My 1 year anniversary coincides with Guy Fawkes Night in the UK, so I went to Max' work near Liverpool Street Station, rode up the elevator to the 23rd floor and enjoyed the most spectacular view of London punctuated by fireworks in honour of the day. We then wandered around for a bit before settling on having dinner at the Market Coffee House aka The English Restaurant near Spitalfields.

We got a celebratory half bottle of champagne and received a lovely amuse bouche:

 

Omelette amuse bouche

 My starter was my go-to in any restaurant - seriously, I cannot resist - scallops. This time, they were a bit overdone, which took away some of their sweetness and I am not 100% convinced the pairing with the interesting sounding cauliflower couscous was the most successful one. The bacon was divine and the tomato pieces gave it all a much needed lift.



Scallops with cauliflower couscous, bacon and tomato salsa

The British Boy had ham hock terrine. I tried only a small piece and whilst it tasted ham-hock-y, I simply was not blown away by it.


Ham Hock terrine

Max had venison wrapped in bacon with a fig tartlet as a main. I had some of his venison, it tasted gamy and most importantly, he loved it. 


Venison and fig tartlet

 My main was a duo of red mullet and salmon, served with potatoes and artichokes.

Salmon, Red Mullet with potatoes and artichokes

 I was actually quite full after my dinner and yet, the cheese board called to me and luckily I could count on my trusty husband to help me eat it. :)

Cheese and chutney with home made biscuits

A visit to ze Fatherland...

 

In my description of my blog, the part where I explain who I am, I state that my ultimate goal is to move back to Germany with the British Boy and hopefully some little 'Anglo-Germanic-Saxons'. We would like to own a farm and had a chance to see how beautiful it could be.

To move the dream forward, especially when feeling really low and down with our current lives, we plan annual trips to various areas in Germany who meet the following criteria:

• Within 2-3 hours of driving distance to my parents
• In an area that has some tourism to potentially rent out holiday homes
• Within 2 hours of an airport to provide easy access to British visitors (hi parents in law)
• An area that has places we could actually really afford
• An area we could see ourselves living in, i.e. even on a dreary rainy grey day and long winters and sick children, with a flu and feeling utterly down, would I still want to live here?

That's not an easy feat. So we book some off, start searching for affordable farms, contact the realtors and set up viewings. And whilst it only took me 30 seconds to write that, the actual process is fucking annoying, pain-stakingly slow and absofuckinglutely anger inducing for me, cuz I have to talk to them all, cuz the British Boy doesn't speak German.

 

Ok, I am being unfair. He does constant scouring of the websites, did a fantastic excel to consolidate the information and make it a whole lot easier for me.

 

Back to what happened:

We went to Germany to look at farms. There were some we liked more than others, one I loved and he didn't, one he liked and I didn't and then we ended up telling each other that we had plenty of time and didn't need to force ourselves to buy anything right now.

 

Staying at my parents, I had a chance to pick the last plums of the season and bake this beauty: 

 

 

Great-grandma Emmi's Plum Cake

Prior to the last day of viewings, we decided to stay in a hotel closer to the farms so that we could get a feel for the area the farms were in. It was the Castle in Wurzen, which reminded me of the castle Max and I got married in. We got there fairly late and decided to have dinner in the castle restaurant, which looked fantastically medieval.

Castle Wurzen Restaurant

We spoiled ourselves with not just one, but TWO bottles of this amazing beauty. I want to find this wine in the UK and bathe in it. Seriously, it is worth trying to track this down.

Tasted divine

Due to the wine and the general holiday feel of the trip, I went for the whole hog, Starter, main, dessert. My starter of smoked salmon tartare was sadly too salty and the mango lacked sweetness to bring it back round. Presentation was great, but let down by the overpowering saltiness.

Smoked salmon tartar with mango and a tzatziki cream

My main was great. I am a huge fan of liver and pretty much any offal. This was done beautifully. The sweet red onions worked so incredibly well with the liver and the celery in the mash was a nice lift on an otherwise quite hefty dish. It was the perfect autumn plate of 'stick to your ribs' food.

Veal liver, caramelized onions and celery mashed potato

Come dessert, despite feeling rather full, I could not resist the sound of an ice cream sundae.


Ice cream sundae for me

I have not had an ice cream sundae in a looong time. I mean, the whole hog with cream and sauce and nuts. It was tasty and I didn't wake up looking like the Ghostbuster Marshmallow Boy (which is one of my fears). The British Boy's dessert was a crème brulee that was also superb and overall the evening and food was a success.

Crème brulee for Max

If you're in the area, I can fully recommend eating at Schloss Wurzen.

Dirty food at Bodeans

Bodeans rocks...

 

How did I end up at a BBQ joint in Soho last weekend and tried to delicately eat dirty food to keep my face clean (which by the way I totally failed at)?

My burnt ends plate

 

Main reason: I am a porn addict. A food porn addict. I LOVE cooking shows and anything that describes and shows delicious looking food, where lots of people go 'mmh' and 'aah' when they eat it. We have Saturday Kitchen set up to record each weekend, in case I am out and miss it. I also love trashy Come Dine with Me. The British Boy is appalled and threatens divorce if I watch it whilst he's at home, so I indulge when he's out. Also, I am a huge fan of Triple D, aka Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives, which basically showcases small food joints across the US with mouth-wateringly sounding foods.

 

After watching a DDD episode that talked about BBQ joints (although to be honest, which episode doesn't?!), I really wanted to have something smoky and meaty. Luckily, my friend and co-worker Tiffany, who handily is an American and was craving some dirty food, was easily persuaded to join me.

 

Now, going to Bodean's on a Friday night in the middle of bustling Soho pretty much guarantees a wait. We were soo lucky! We walked downstairs to have our number taken and were prepared to wait for 1-2 hours (yes, we were that set on having BBQ) and were IMMEDIATELY slotted into a just cancelled spot.

 

Burnt Ends and sweet potato fries, here we come! I really loved the meat - it was rich and deeply flavoured and a bit chewy and sticky and crispy in the right places and not too fatty. Being able to add on various BBQ sauces was an added bonus.

Burnt Ends and sweet potato fries



 

 

The sweet potato fries were moreish and I am glad Tiff was able to help me with them. We were also happy that, despite the authentic taste, the portion size was not as huge as I was used to from the US. This was a spot on meal that satisfied my craving, and, more importantly a nice night out with a friend.

In preparation for work trips...

Trips galore! There is a distinct time of travel at work that is required of me. And this time has now started. I am about to travel almost every other week up until the end of January and as I stated a few times before, travelling is difficult for me.

It's difficult for various reasons: time differences, long hours, tired, stressed, pressure to perform at work, unable to work out and the dreaded BUFFETS! Part of my problem is my greediness and a fear of missing out (especially on food - what if the other main course, that other dessert, that other thing is THE BEST ever and I miss out?). Anyway, travel time has started and I survived my first trip.

I have been incredibly lucky to have my guru with me on that trip. And it made all the difference. Having someone physically on a trip, who takes the time to remind me to breathe, set an intent, formulate a plan and then asks me to check in, scan my body, identify my feelings - it's been a huge help and it's giving me the confidence to feel I can deal better with the other upcoming trips.

At the moment, I am enjoying not travelling and making the most of grounding myself in a structure - and enjoying cooked breakfasts:

Fried egg with tomato and basil on a seven grain roll

Fried egg with toast and half a banana that was fried alongside the egg. The banana gets all sweet and caramelised. Yum.

Sunday Roast at The Alma

Another Sunday roast and surprise surprise, it's chicken for me. The British Boy and I spent a lot of our weekends fairly separately and there comes a point, where I would quite like to see my husband for a bit.

It generally does not require lots of arm twisting, especially when the pub in question is only a 5 minute walk from our house.

The Alma is a not only a dependable choice, but also a good one. There is interesting decor, there is a good atmosphere and there is yummy food and beer and cider.

 

Behold the stag!

What I also love about the Alma is that they oftentimes put on cider or ale festivals.



The Alma - note my obsession with mustard.

My chicken: The chicken tasted exactly like I want chicken to taste like. Chicken-y. Not too dry and like a bird who spent a happy life running around a barn or yard somewhere. The yorkie was not too greasy (I don't like greasy Yorkshire puddings) and the jus was delicious. There was an ample amount of veggies, and thankfully the veg were not cooked to a mush. I declared it a success and finished my plate. We'll be back.

Chicken Roast at the Alma

A night with the girls

I am the luckiest woman on earth. I sometimes feel giddy with happiness at all the things I have - a loving husband, a roof over my head I can call my own, a healthy-ish body, a family I adore and who love me unconditionally, a job that challenges me and allows me to be very flexible and a support net that is unbelievable. I mean totally out of this world amazing and unbelievable.

 

A few Fridays ago, I decided to have a night to say thank you to my support net. We are a large group and naturally, some closer friendships have formed over time. I had invited three of the ladies over for dinner. I was lucky enough to be working from home that day and started my day with porridge and fruit.  

Breakfast of porridge, yoghurt, Sharon fruit, mint and coconut shavings alongside the obligatory coffee.

I went to a body conditioning class at my local gym during my lunch break that day, which then allowed me to justify a real splurge for my meal. The night at the Dissenting Academy had whet my appetite for scallops. How fortuitous that we now have a new fishmonger in the area - Prawn on the Lawn is just a 10 minute walk from my house AND it's on the way back from the gym. A quick tweet to check they had scallops in stock and a few minutes later I was the proud owner of these beauties:

Scallops and salad

Lucky me, the British Boy had simultaneously forgotten to take his salad to work, so all I had to do was give the scallops a sear, toss the salad with dressing and dig in!

The highlight of the day, though, was the night with the girls. I had whipped up a slowly cooking, but easily thrown together vegetarian chili served with brown rice, home made guacamole and corn tortilla chips.

Brown rice, guacamole and cilantro and lime for the feast.

The largest pot of butternut squash, sweet potato and black bean chili ever.

It was delicious and I've been enjoying the left overs for quite some time (there is still more in the fridge), yet the best part of the evening was spent chatting, laughing, sharing embarrassing stories and feeling connected and supported. I loved it. Thanks, my ladies. 

Breakfasts - a selection

I love breakfast. It's my favourite meal of the day, along with lunch, dinner and snacks. It sets me off on a good start and fills me up until lunch time, especially when I get a good mix of carbs, fats and protein.

When I go to work, which is about 80% of the time, I make myself the same breakfast, day in, day out:

• a serving of mixed cereals - rolled oats, barley flakes, buckwheat flakes, rye flakes, sometimes even quinoa or millet flakes
• topped with some sort of yoghurt or dairy thing - Greek yoghurt, full fat goat yoghurt, home-made skim yoghurt, soy yoghurt, cottage cheese
• seasonal fruit - oftentimes half a grapefruit and then either berries or pears or kaki or kiwi
• a sprinkling of nuts or coconut flakes or milled seeds
• cinnamon

On the weekend though, and when I work from home, I get a bit more adventurous. I am working from home tomorrow and just had a look through my picture library - mmh, not sure what to have for breakfast tomorrow... Here are some of my concoctions: 

French Toast

Yoghurt bowl with fruit and oats

Porridge, yoghurt and fruit



Sauteed veg, egg and soda bread

 

Omelette with salsa and soda bread

Pancakes

Egg, soldiers and cuke

Courgette pancakes with Greek yogurt

The Cornwall Project at the Dissenting Academy

Last week, we were looking for a place to have a bite to eat in the neighbourhood. There is a pub close by called  the Dissenting Academy. They have recently started inviting pop ups into their kitchen. Currently, the most excellent Cornwall Project is in residence and boy, they rock.


Dissenting Academy

The British Boy and I rocked up and poured over the frequently changing menu, not sure what to have. You see, I might have mentioned this before, Max is not a big fan of sharing plates. At a push, he will share an appetizer, but he does not like the idea of having a plethora of plates and trying various things. Spoil sport.

We settled on sharing the scallops, which I am always drawn to on a menu. I love scallops! These were sweet and had some nice crust with the coral intact, and the sauce poured over - some creamy heart attack waiting to happen - was delicate and went very well with the leeks and potatoes. There was almost too much sauce.

Scallops, leek and potatoe

Luckily we had each ordered a flank steak with radish, cherries and kale. The steak was chewy in the right places, nicely charred, juicy and the cherries and radishes provided a lovely sour and fresh contrast. We moped up the leftover scallop sauce with the steak. Delish.

Flank steak, cherries, kale and cherries.



Yum.

I am definitely up for coming back and hope the Cornwall Project are staying in residence for a while.

 

 

Dissenting Academy

Last week

There are times when I just feel grumpy. Actually, that's not true. Grumpy sounds jovial, like one of the Seven Dwarfs. I mean dissatisfied, with almost everything in my life. And whilst I can do the gratitude list and looking at the positives, the dissatisfaction leaks back in like filthy sewage water through the cracks of a house's foundation. What I'm trying to say is that I've got poo-water in my cellar.

I can't pinpoint it, there is something I am not at ease with, that I can't seem to accept in my life, something I want to change and because I can't really find a starting point, I don't know where to start working on it.

These are the times when food can get tricky. A snack here, another handful of something there - neither of them needed and all of them definitely having an impact on my weight. Structure and balance is what seems to work for me. I forget it sometimes and when I do adhere to it, even these 'meh' times don't impact my food. That's a good thing, because poo water in the basement is definitely a 'meh' time.

To pre-empt food hell, I have had balanced meals:

Working from home and using up produce from the garden, I make colourful salads, to use up the last of the summer abundance.

Harvest Garden Salad with Pita

Weekend breakfasts are leisurely taken before going to meetings or doing yoga and last week I had wanted to try a muffin in pancake form. I grated an apple and a carrot, mixed it with one beaten egg and two teaspoons of coconut flour, a small handful of oat flakes and a splash of milk to loosen the mixture. It looked like barely coated grated apple and carrot and I was weary whether it would work. It turned out delicious and will stay in my breakfast repertoire.

Coconut flour, apple and carrot pancakes



Apple and carrot pancakes

Winner winner chicken dinner

Roast chicken with kale and sautéed mushrooms, sage & onions

Foods in sane times

After the scary Prague incident, I have had some really good weeks. Yes, it has been weeks since I've been back - three to be precise and I have had ups and downs and overall, I felt more connected with the here and now. There is still a niggling dissatisfaction at times, and there are moments of such intense happiness that I feel I want to burst and there are moments when I'm sad and annoyed and thankful and angry. Overall, it's all ok and I guess this is how normal people feel.

I look for and generally achieve a healthy balance when eating at home. That has been the case even before Prague, when I had this meal:

No-mayo-coleslaw with pomegranate and dill

My meal of coleslaw, egg and home-made hummus. That was followed by a piece of toast.

It's the travelling and being surrounded by temptation at work when I am most likely to slip at the moment. And when I have snacky stuff at home. So, I try to not buy snacky stuff.

Working from home one or two days a week means I am removed from office snack temptation and I can be more experimental with food and make warm meals. With autumn here, I am starting to warm to the idea of soups and stews, and I have a wonderful post to share about a vegetarian chili with guacamole. Anyway, a few weeks ago for lunch, I had this delicious vegetable frittata, which is quick to whip up, chock full of fibre, contains protein and the slice of toast with peanut butter and jam doubled up as carb and dessert. Winner.

After that frittata, which happened on the Friday when I had just returned from Prague, I had friends visiting from New York. They brought a lovely bunch of flowers to say thank you for letting them stay at our flat. Flowers in my house make me smile and brighten up my day. I think I will have to buy them more often for myself. The British Boy had gone to his parents and I was joining him on Saturday, so our friends had free reign over our little kingdom. Before I headed out to the countryside, I had a delish bowl of cottage cheese, a peach and oats. I forgot how much I actually like cottage cheese. It was the start of a good weekend and of saner times.

Cottage cheese, oats and peach with cinnamon

Travelling for work - To Do's and Not To Do's

I am typing this whilst in Prague, where I attended a meeting with my colleagues from all over Europe. I've mentioned this before, travelling is difficult for me. I love the excitement of going new places, seeing people in the flesh that I work with every day remotely and breaking away from the daily office routine.

I would be lying though if I didn't admit that it is difficult for me. It's better than it was whilst I was in my disorder, but it's still hard. A lifetime ago, I would hunt out the best places to buy food on the taxi ride to the hotel, checking where I can get my fix and would consider what excuses I would use to get away from everyone in the evenings, so I could eat and puke. So, I am oh so glad I'm no longer in that space.

It feels freeing not to feel compulsive around that. I didn't scout for a supermarket, I had unhurried conversations with colleagues and I was present.

On the first and second day. And then, I took my eyes off the ball, feeling cocky and arrogant that I had this recovery shit covered. Did I hell...

My check in:
I have not been so close to breaking my abstinence in the last 10 months as I've been yesterday! It was a slow and gradual process, building up over the day and likely even sooner. I had a snack before lunch, had a bigger lunch, did not more think about it, had various snacks throughout the afternoon, and a big dinner. After returning to my room, I started eating a snack that my colleague had brought along for me as thank you for covering for him during his vacation. It was a big slab of almonds in nougat. Not only was the thing hard to open, so I had several chances to stop and consciously make a decision to go ahead, it was also a mother of calories. I thought, at that point, that I had broken my commitment to sticking to the plan already anyway, that i was allowed to reward myself. I thought that I would not feel remorse and simply pick up with the plan te next day. I had seen your emails throughout the day and felt pressure to follow your suggestions. It ended up with me in bed at 1:00 so uncomfortably full that I seriously considered getting rid of the contents of my stomach quickly. I pulled the emergency hand break and called a fellow in NYC. She talked me off the ledge and I am, this morning, so very thankful for her help.
I also went to weigh myself this morning. This,  I realise, is not a very kind thing to do. Nor is then staring at my belly and arms, trying to detect signs of my flabbiness. I know I am more than my weight,and I still carry a certain number in my head that I would like to be. This is pure punishment and I want to move away from that.
My body and my whole being has been giving me signals all along, when to stop, be that eating, worrying, stressing and working. I want to  be mindful and in balance with nature. I am a commitment to balance and I am so very grateful for not having broken my abstinence last night.

I am feeling much better having returned to London, having reconnected, gone to a meeting, called people and I can now honestly look back over that period and here is my list of do's and don't's:

Don't:

1. Make a plan and ignore it
2. Take an 'all or nothing' approach that translates into 'oh, I've eaten one snack off plan, might as well throw the entire day away and snack like a woman possessed'.
3. Don't buy snacks for the trip. Just don't. There will be food, I won't starve. Even if I do not have an afternoon snack, I will probably not starve. Fact.
4. Weigh myself on a scale. I can't handle it. It makes my head go crazy and I start obsessing about weight, how to get lower, how to diet etc.
5. Let excuses get in the way of connecting with the program. It works, IF YOU WORK IT.

Do:

1. Make a plan and stick to it.
2. Call fellows. Texting doesn't count. Call 'em. There will be 5 minutes, heck, even 2 minutes in the day, where I can call someone. Ideally, before and after meals.
3. Pull the emergency break and rest assured that there is a way out of a binge.
4. For me, texting before each meal/snack is essential, especially when travelling.
5. Taking stock of feelings before each meal is helpful.
6. Acknowledge that food cannot fill the hole I feel.
7. Forgive and move on to the next healthy step towards achieving a balance in life.
8. Writing out my feelings and speaking about things and connecting to the program helps me.

I'm gonna share some of the food pictures of the trip, just because I took them and a post with pictures is more interesting, I think:

The HOTTEST soup ever. EVER.
 

The team dinner

Beef tournedos with herb dumplings and cranberry sauce

Crème Brulee with Shortbread

Sunday roast at The Crown

Sometimes, only a proper roast will do. Especially on a Sunday, on a late summer afternoon, when it is getting colder, autumn is unmistakably in the air and the first conkers are falling to the ground. Walking around in Angel, strolling over the Farmers Market on Chapel Market and feeling rather lazy last weekend, that was exactly what happened.

On top of that, we were caught by a torrential downpour whilst looking for inspiration for what to cook that night. Rather than forcing ourselves to decide on something, I remembered that The Crown is only 5 minutes away from and it used to be one of my most favourite pubs to have a roast in when were living in that neighbourhood. Not only is the food really delicious, the pub itself is beautiful. The wood and glass interior retained a lot of the original charm and come rain or shine, it's a light filled place. It's one of those places where I can't imagine being grumpy in.

I had opted for the chicken, whilst the British Boy went for the lamb. My chicken was juicy, with more-ish crispy skin and the cabbage was doused in buttery goodness. Max' roast looked fantastic and the piece of lamb I blackmailed him into sharing was yummy.



t

Roast chicken with cabbages and roasted vegetables.



Lamb roast with potatoes, veg and cabbage

I failed to see the daily specials board until after I had ordered, which was frustrating, as they had what sounded like an amazing scallop dish. I definitely want to come back and try more of a variety of foods. All I can leave with is that they know how to make a damn good roast for sure.